This week signifies the end in a chapter of my life and I can’t help but think I have allowed my time to slip away from me. This is the end of me being a full-time mum. In two days I will be starting a full time college course and packing my little munchkin off to my mum’s house for three days a week, and I refuse to actually sit back and think about it.
I have been equally excited and nervous about this week for weeks and now it is finally here I’m more excited about the prospect of a new challenge but also filled with dread.
As my regular readers will know, McD (my little man’s daddy) and I separated for a few weeks at the start of this year. During this time, literally the day that McD left, I realised that I would need to step up and be the main parent for H. He is now two and a half years old and will, in a very short time be starting school. I can no longer afford the luxury of long lazy days spent enjoying a quiet life at home with him. I needed to get my act together and start thinking about my career. I know that I never ever want to go back into Human Resources and work in an office; I had always fancied being a high school English teacher. So what was stopping me? Absolutely nothing. I made a few calls and was booked on a taster college course at my local college. Within a few days I was back at college, a 26 year old ‘mature’ student and let me tell you, it was so much fun. I met many like-minded individuals of a variety of ages who were all in the same boat. They all wanted a change in career.
Fast forward a few weeks and McD and I decided that after our time apart we really do love each other and wanted to be together as a family. McD moved back in with us and since then things have been pretty great. The weather has been awesome, McD and I now have a stronger connection and we have so much more fun together as a family. Everyone is so happy, especially our little guy. But underneath all of this I have this feeling of impending doom. Of the fact that in a few short days I will be leaving my little man with my mum, who he is very close to, to start this new adventure of mine, alone.
Since the day that H was born he has been by my side, there have been a few occasions where he has stayed at my mums, or he has been at home with McD while I went out, but mostly we have been together. We have watched the thunderstorms through the front window in awe, danced in the rain and jumped in muddy puddles, we have fed the ducks, walked miles and miles, baked in the gorgeous English sunshine, built snowmen, baked cakes, trashed the house and tidied up again, fed the horses, slept in, survived many turbulent tantrums, survived many explosive nappies, laughed until our bellies ached, eaten many, many lunches with nanny, watched far too much day time tv, walked the dog, shopped, hung out with friends and generally just lived. Every single happy memory from the last few years contains H.
This has been a journey that I have really loved. I have laughed and cried, fallen exhausted in bed at the end of most days but I have never ended a day feeling truly unhappy and unsatisfied with life. And who would have thought it? The cocky teenager who never wanted to get married or have children, wanted to be fiercely independent and build a career that Anna Wintour would be jealous of is a stay at home mum. Now I realise that these days have been the best days of my life and I am reluctant to give them up.
As I embark on this new journey I know that this is what is going to be the best thing for our family. I want H to understand that its okay for both parents to work and I want him to be proud of his mama, I want him to know that McD and I have provided for him the best that we could. I know he will be fine, my mum dotes on him, he is her only grandchild and when they are together they are like two naughty children. McD will also be amazing at picking up the tasks I will no longer have time to do.
It doesn’t stop me from thinking of all of those hours apart though. Can you imagine how I will be when he actually starts full time school next September, or leaves home for university?
I am closing this chapter, I am stuffing all of my dread into it and I am walking out of it one happy mama who knows it’s going to be an awesome and exciting time. See ya later depressive longing for a few extra weeks. I’ll be looking forward to my weekends, study days at home and school holidays. I now have the excuse to jam pack them full of wonderful activities for my boy and I (and McD when he’s not working).
I could really do with a large glass of wine and a huge piece of chocolate cake right now
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